a couple things.

first. i just had a great conversation with a girl i love and respect about love and why our focus, as people, is to obtain love. because through that goal, we end up falling in love with the concept of love and when we do find a person to be with, eventually that facade breaks and all that’s left is a person that you’ve never loved at all.

second. there were some other nice things from that conversation. that the fear isn’t that we won’t find anyone to love us, though that may be it initially. but the fear that if a couple is separated, the counterpart may fall for someone else during the separation. even if the separation is brief. [de ja vu. double de ja vu. triple] the fear is that one isn’t good enough, that someone else may be better. which totally dismisses the whole fact of what love is supposed to be.

third. this was a “just now” thought. when two people start dating, it’s terrible to start out any relationship, no matter how serious, with problems. with one relying on the other. or both relying on each other. people should wait until they know they’re content in themselves. that’s why we have so many failing relationships in the world.

four. people are making me so angry. my mom’s been really upset lately about so many things. my house has been crazy. with my sister getting into trouble and my parents having to talk about graduation stuff. it’s just tense. and i’m learning so much about the past because people are letting things spill all over the place. people are selfish. my mom cries it all the time, and i just soak in it. the selfishness of man. some days i love people, but not today.

five. i feel like i will never be anyone’s favorite or everything. in all types of relationships. my daddy loves me, but he puts so much ahead of me. which i understand. maybe that’s my problem, that i’m too understanding. and then anyone who thinks i’m amazing on any level of relationship i guess just isn’t good enough for me because i just don’t have time to pay them mind. i’m not the best friend. i’m not the girlfriend. i don’t think i will ever be because i guess the best way to put it is that i’m a controversial person. i’m losing feeling again.


  1. shellyyybee posted this